Seamus & I have debated whether or not to share our very personal story. However, we want to raise much needed funds for those that helped us in our darkest days and continue to be there for us. Those charities are Féileacáin (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Association of Ireland – SANDAI), Helping Holles Street/NMH Foundation and A Little Lifetime Foundation. We also want people to know Conan existed and we have a beautiful son who is in our hearts forever and will never be forgotten. We were going to teach Conan all about the world, little did we think we would need to teach the world about Conan.

On 17th March 2020, 5 days into Ireland’s first covid19 lockdown we found out we were expecting our first baby. I was attending the National Maternity Hospital (Holles St) and had a better than textbook pregnancy. I recall saying to my consultant & others it was too good. I didn’t have any of the usual symptoms such as sickness or tiredness and all my appointments were positive; the baby was looking healthy and all was good. We hit all the milestones - 12 weeks, 20 weeks, up to 39 weeks and 2 days. I did the antenatal courses, online of course due to covid. I attended all the appointments & scans by myself. Seamus had never stepped foot in the hospital, nor had attended any of the big scans. All he got was a picture of the scan I brought home. At the time, we tried not to dwell on this, after all we had a healthy baby and people were in worse situations. I was strong enough to get through this. It was something that just had to be done. I knew the midwives were angels on earth and this was before our baby died.

In the week leading up to what I now call our ‘shit day’, I had been in hospital concerned over too much movement but all seemed fine and I was checked over thoroughly - I thought I was being a paranoid first time mum. I had also been to my wonderful GP. All was perfectly fine. On Friday 13th November we collected our pram from the shop (I think it has only dawned on me now it was Friday 13th). I had done so much research and was so excited to get the pram. We were sitting at home with my parents that evening and the baby was so active & kicking like a mad one. We didn’t know the gender at this stage. I woke up that night with cramps thinking this was labour. I was so close to my due date of 19th November. After a few calls to the hospital, direction was to stay at home as long as possible as Seamus wouldn’t be allowed in until I was in active labour. It was on my third call at 12noon on Saturday 14th November, that the midwife mentioned ‘as long as there is movement’. Well, I hadn’t stopped to think about movement, sure the baby was so active the night before and I was so busy concentrating on the contractions. After a couple of hours of focusing on movement and drinking some fizzy orange for a bit of sugar rush, bouncing on the ball, we made our way to the hospital. Still completely oblivious and naive to what was to unfold.

I’m not sure why but Seamus was allowed in as I was being admitted. We were in the delivery suite and the lovely midwife had the doppler on my belly to hear the heartbeat. I knew then and there he or she was gone. Seamus, having not been to any appointments before, didn't realize he was to hear something. It was eerily silent. All I could do was look to the ceiling. I was paralysed. A scanner was brought in, another midwife entered with a second scanning machine. A doctor arrived. She then held my hand, keeping eye contact with me, while a midwife held Seamus and we heard those fatal words ‘I’m sorry there is no heartbeat’.

Numbness. I’m not fully sure what all happened next, but I recall a few more midwives and doctors coming in to express their sympathies. We were given space to make calls to our families. I wanted to scream it out loud, I wanted to post on facebook and phone everyone I knew. I’m not sure why but I think it wasn’t real until the whole world knew that our baby had died.

Our minds were very clouded. I still needed to give birth to my baby. I still had labour to endure, never mind a funeral. I couldn’t think that far ahead though. All the staff we met were incredible. I can’t stress that enough. There wasn’t one person who stood out - they all did. I had ‘thank you’ cards in my hospital bag in preparation for labour - they were so inadequate now. We stayed that night in the hospital and came home on Sunday. Some family members came down to Dublin from up north to support us. Seamus’ brother helped with removing the baby car seat that was in place ready for the big arrival. I couldn’t believe that our reality was now discussions of burial plots. We went back in on Monday 16th November morning to be induced. We had been given a special card to flash up to security & staff on arrival so we would be shipped straight to the bereavement suite. There were 2 rooms being used while I was there. Both had the international sign of bereavement on the door so that anyone entering would be prepared to encounter a grieving couple.

Conan Pádraig O’Hare arrived silently and was born sleeping at 8.06pm on 16th November 2020 weighing 5lbs 15oz and 50cm long. He was 39 weeks and 4 days gestation. Labour wasn't easy but it was the most wonderful experience. We were so scared of what he would look like and questioned whether we would want to hold him. It's such a confusing time and out of body experience. We really just followed the brilliant advice of our midwives, bereavement midwife and consultant. I’m so thankful that I was encouraged to do skin to skin straight away. He was the picture of his O’Hare cousins, with the cutest little button nose. He was adorable. I’ve never seen Seamus prouder and standing so tall. He had dark hair like both of us, the cutest hands and twinkly toes that we couldn’t stop touching. Our consultant had prepared us that she hoped the cause of death would be apparent at birth otherwise we would have to do a coroner's post mortem which can be lengthy and there are times that cause of death is not determined which is really tough not to know what happened. Conan was born with an extremely long umbilical cord which he got tangled in and was wrapped around his wee neck 5 times causing back pressure on the placenta and reducing blood flow & oxygen to him. It's one of those shitty things that apparently happen and we were dealt bad luck. There was no way to know. Of course I retraced my activity and wondered was it anything I did or why didn’t I know he was in difficulty and for how long was he in trouble. This will play in my mind forever.

The following day, with the support of Sarah, our bereavement midwife, we were able to bathe Conan. She had brought a memory box which was provided to the hospital by Féileacáin. This memory box is a treasure. It's very hard to take in the reality of what has happened and to have any thoughts of what to do next. This memory box allowed us to create memories with Conan and be a family in our little hospital room for those few days. You can see the contents of the box on their website. We painted Conan’s hands & feets and made clay prints as well which now are proudly positioned as you come in through our front door. Féileacáin also provided the cuddle cot which is a typical moses basket but with a cooling mat that allowed us to have Conan with us for as long as possible. I can’t describe how perfect our week with him was. Sarah was trained in taking professional photographs once covid hit (as the charity who provide infant remembrance photography, could not enter the hospital due to covid) and they turned out amazing. By the following day she had them printed and in an album for us. We hadn’t realized but Conan still needed a few changes of clothes as he was very delicate and would have nose bleeds and some fluid buildup while being moved. We had him in both baby grows and vests but am so delighted that we mostly had him in just the vests so we could touch and see his soft arms, legs & feet. My sister & husband visited us that day and had brought a ‘Congratulations/New baby’ card - this was one of the kindest things we received as it did remind us that we did have a new baby son and we did become parents. We couldn’t bear receiving sympathy cards at the time but I’ve looked at them in the subsequent months and have appreciated the thoughts of neighbours & friends. Over the course of the next few days in hospital, we had family visiting and we were so proud to introduce them to Conan. He was our world. We were able to show them the photo album and the memory box. When we had alone time, we would listen to music with him, read ‘Guess how much I love you’ to him & just enjoy his presence.

I was thankful that the advice was to give birth naturally and my birthing experience was a positive one. After discussion with my consultant, we opted for the post mortem. As this wasn’t a coroners case, this was carried out within the grounds of the hospital. Conan went for the PM on Thursday, while we left the hospital empty. It's devastating to walk out those doors and not take the obligatory new baby photo. We have found there are so many painful walks & steps that have changed us forever. We returned on Friday with my sister & Seamus’ brother to collect Conan. We met Angela, the hospital Chaplain (she had supported us throughout the week also) and provided a beautiful service before we left for our journey up to Co. Down where Conan was to meet the rest of his family and be laid to rest beside Seamus' granny on Sunday 22nd Nov. We were able to take Conan in his cuddle cot. We had been given various letters in case the guards stopped us. There were covid travel restrictions in place and we were also bringing a body to a different jurisdiction. We stopped off in Dublin to show Conan where he was to live and show him all his stuff that was bought ready for his arrival.

Over the next 2 days before his burial, he got to meet his aunts, uncles & cousins apart from my sister & her family who live in Australia. We got to have some facetime with them at least. I know my sister would have been home had it not been for covid restrictions. Conan is the 9th grandchild in both O’Hare and Fitzpatrick families. It's heartwarming to hear his cousins mention and talk to him. We made special memories planting a tree and taking so many family photos. It was a beautiful blue sky on Sunday as we walked the 600m from my parent’s house down to the grave, family members taking it in turn to hold Conan’s petite white casket. Conan was cosy in his Winnie the Pooh outfit along with a toy car, football, koala and few other items that his cousins wanted to give him. Close friends lined up as we walked past into the graveyard. My cousin, Fr Brian, conducted a beautiful service outside at the grave side which included a number of songs and readings we chose. Never did we think this would be our reality.

The following number of weeks we received beautiful flowers nearly daily, messages of sympathy & support. Christmas & New Years were unbearable, it was tough going into a new year and Conan not be with us. It felt like we were moving further away from him. I built up the courage to join A Little Lifetime charity zoom call with newly bereaved parents & a wonderful counsellor in February. Even though we will never get over the fact that Conan died, this support group has been invaluable. We had 6 sessions through the charity and 7 of us mothers continued our own group, my gang - the club no one wants to be a part of. We know support is out there for both of us through the 3 charities along with the support we’ve received from family & friends. We don't just miss our children at the age they died, they are missed at every milestone.

I know people don’t know what to say to us, my advice - say something, at minimum say I’m sorry for your loss. Say his name. Ask us questions.

Seamus and I are left now with broken hearts yet full of love for our son, Conan.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, with 15th of October being the international wave of light when many buildings around the world (including several buildings in Ireland) will be lighting up in pink and purple to commemorate all babies who sadly died too soon. On 15th October 2021, Seamus & I will be walking 5km to remember Conan in aid of the NMH Foundation, Feileacain and Little Lifetime Foundation. Please join us in lighting a candle @7pm to honour and remember babies who have passed away due to miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, and other causes of infant loss.

Thank you for reading. It means alot to us.

Eimear, Seamus & Conan

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Conan's Corner

Created by Eimear O'Hare

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